there’s nothing in the dark that wasn’t there in the light.
I’ve been thinking some more about new years resolutions and how I want mine to be something .. something that isn’t just about me. I could sit here and say that this year I want straight a’s at school or this year I want to get a job (I do want both of those things) but I just want my resolution to be something of substance. I’m sick of shallow, superficial apologies and half-hearted goodbyes.
This year I resolve to not judge before I know. I think that I’m really good at coming to conclusions regarding things I know nothing about. And I think that’s something that I don’t want to be good at. I realized that a lot of the time, the way I come across is not actually how I am and I’d feel terrible knowing all the ways people judge me because of it. I don’t want to make people feel terrible. And how hard is it to cut someone some slack? It’s not hard at all. All i’m saying here is, I’m going to wait to make my judgements. I’m not going to assume that I know everything. Because I don’t know what’s going on in my own life half the time, how could I possibly know what’s going on in yours?
I’m trying to thaw out. It’s like, -5 degrees right now and it was colder earlier. Actually, it might be snowing. Let me check … okay, as of now no snow but we’re supposed to get up to 5-10 centimetres tonight.
So today my goal was to mean it everytime I said, “How are you?” To actually care what they had to say. Because I find that too often people just don’t give a shit. They ask because they should, because that’s whats expected of them. Not because they want to know. And it feels pretty shitty to talk to someone, only to find out five minutes later that they didn’t hear a word you said because frankly, it wasn’t important to them. Like, thanks for the warning buddy! You could’ve told me you don’t want to know, instead of wasting my time. So everytime I said it, I meant it. But do you know what’s sad? How few people actually told me how they were. They’d all say “Good.” Good! What does that even mean?! What qualifies as good? When people ask me I talk way to much and annoy the shit out of them but at least i’m being honest. When you say good how many of you even mean it? How many of you say good even when you’re anything but? Good sucks. Good is a lie.
So tell me, how are you?
I’m not a big fan of her music, not going to lie. But I have maad respect for her. She can go out there, dressed in a freaking meat dress and still be more secure with herself than anyone I know. It takes a lot of courage to be yourself. Especially when you’re constantly being watched and judged and ridiculed. She doesn’t really seem to give a fuck about what anyone has to say and I admire that about her. I wish I could be like that. I try but I’m not quite there yet. So while I may disagree with her musical taste (and most of her fashion choices), I’m honestly inspired by her. And that means something to me. It means a lot.